from the book How to Have a Baby: Overcoming
Infertility
by Dr. Aniruddha Malpani, MD and Dr. Anjali Malpani,
MD.
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When
should you consider adoption ?
What
is involved in the adoption process?
What
are some of the myths about adoption ?
When should you consider
adoption ?
You don't have to be superhuman, superkind,
superloving or perfect to be able to adopt a child -
you just have to be ready. Being ready only happens
when you've had time to get used to the idea - and if
you are infertile, it is never too early to consider
adoption. You can begin gathering information from adoption
agencies even though you may not be fully committed.
It is always a wise strategy to investigate alternatives
in case pregnancy does not occur - after all, statistically,
the overall chance of pregnancy for an infertile couple
undergoing treatment is only about 50 to 70 percent
after one or more years of trying.
Also, because many agencies do not accept
people over a certain age as adoptive candidates, especially
for infants, it is important to collect information
so that you don't discover later that you are too old
to fulfill a particular agency's requirements.
To couples just beginning to consider
adoption the central concern is: can we love an adopted
child as our own? Other doubts include:
- What kind of children are available
for adoption? Aren't they all misfits or discards?
- Won't adopted children grow up maladjusted?
- What will our families say and do?
Will they love a child we adopt?
- Won't the child go off to find its
birth parents once it grows up anyway?
- Why do we have to go through so much
agony to build a family? Infertility was one struggle
and now adoption with its waiting list is a whole
new one.
- What will society say? Will our child
be accepted by friends and neighbours?
As you find yourself more ready to accept
adoption as an alternative, these questions often lose
their importance. Some of them disappear when you finish
grieving for your biological child - the child that
never was - and resolve this grief by allowing healing.
Through grief, you learn to focus less on the process
of obtaining children and more on the children themselves.
A couple must, together and separately, come to terms
with their loss - to learn to say good-bye, before they
are ready to consider adoption. The other doubts disappear
after you talk with adoption agencies; adoptive parents
and their families; read books about adoption; and learn
how adoption is accomplished. The question then is no
longer "Can we do this?" but becomes " How do we do
this?"
You will learn that in many ways families
with adopted children are the same as any other families.
You'll express love, have disputes and make compromises
in your daily lives. Your child will be your child,
no matter how you came to have him.
Adoptive parenting may be your second
choice but it's just as good as biological parenting.
It is different - don't try to compare them, one isn't
better than the other. However, you will have to deal
with several issues that occur only in adoptive families.
Prepare yourself to discuss adoption with your child
- and to truthfully deal with the myths and misconceptions
that many people have about adoption. You may also find
that you and your child will often be faced with questions
and ignorant comments which assume that adoption is
a second-best alternative for all involved.
Adoption cannot solve the problems associated
with infertility - it is not a cure for the physical
aspects of infertility and neither does it cure the
emotional pain. But adoption will provide you with the
challenges and rewards of loving and being loved by
a child.
Most adoptions are closed adoption in
which the biological parents and adoptive parents do
not come in contact with one another. The adoptive parents
have only fragmentary, if any, information on the birth
parents. Furthermore, adoption agencies make every effort
to keep the adoption records closed and unavailable
to everyone, including the adoptive parents, the birth
parents and the adopted child. Most agencies believe
that the clear separation of the adoptive parents from
the birth parents is necessary for the adoptive family
to be "normal".
What is involved in
the adoption process?
What is involved in the adoption process?
Many people naively believe that adoption simply consists
of walking into an agency and walking away with a baby.
Of course, it's much more complex than this. It involves
considerable paperwork; asking questions; solving problems;
researching; spending money ; and going through emotional
ups and downs. It takes time and work but remember that
those who want to adopt will always succeed. These procedures
have been designed for your benefit so don't be lured
into taking "shortcuts" - these can hurt you in the
long run. After all, adoption is not just a means of
finding babies for infertile couples, but a way of finding
the right family for a particular child.
Each adoption agency has different requirements
so you may find that even though you are turned down
at one agency, another will readily accept your application.
Most agencies suggest that:
- The age between the adoptive parents
and the child be less than 40 years.
- The couple should have been married
for at least five years to attest to the stability
of the relationship.
- The couple should have a regular
source of income.
- Neither of the partners should have
a major illness which may reduce your life-span.
The professional who will be guiding
you through this process is a medical social worker,
who is fully qualified and trained. Find an agency where
you are comfortable with the social worker assigned
to you.
You should learn about the requirements
for adoption; and the average waiting time for placement.
You'll need to decide upon many factors including the
child's age and sex - and there may be certain limitations
on your choice. Costs vary widely, and you should enquire
how much it will be.
Once an agency accepts your application,
detailed interviews, both separately and jointly, are
conducted. Agencies may ask you to supply references
from relatives, employers and friends. Furthermore,
an adoption worker will come to your home and evaluate
your suitability as parents - the home study. At some
point after the home study period, a child is identified
who is or who might be available for adoption. You'll
then have to decide whether or not to accept the child
- it's finally your choice. If you choose to adopt,
there is a supervisory period once the child arrives
in your home, and this may range from a few weeks to
several years. After a specified period, your child
is legally adopted by an adoption decree.
Infertile couples are often under tremendous pressure
to adopt - friends may tire of your problem and question
why you don't adopt if you want a baby so badly; and
others who have already adopted may enthusiastically
recommend the option to you. But you should never try
to force yourself to be comfortable with adoption if
the idea is disturbing - this is not a time for selflessness.
There are no set guidelines to determine who should
or should not adopt. Remember, adoption does not mean
trying to find a baby now to take care of you in your
old age; neither is it a method to try to use to keep
your marriage together. Signs suggesting indecision
could include denial of your disappointment about infertility;
persistent fantasies about what life might have been
with biological children; and the desire to keep the
adoption a secret. Prospective parents may also have
fears that an adoptive child may not measure up to family
standards. If you have any doubts, it may be a good
idea to temporarily postpone your adoption plans and
discuss your anxieties before proceeding further.
What are some of
the myths about adoption ?
Myth: If an adoptive family really loves the
child and does a good job of parenting, then an adopted
child will not be curious about his or her birth parents.
Fact: Children are often curious about those
who play major roles in their lives. Most, if not all,
adoptive children will want to know about their biological
roots.
Myth: Adopted children are better
off not knowing they are adopted.
Fact: Adoptees almost always find out that they
are adopted. They then discover that their family has
been dishonest with them. Adopted children may build
better self-esteem when they have a clearer picture
of personal birth origins.
Myth: Once the process of adoption
is over, it is the same as having a biological child.
Fact: There are real differences in birth and
adoptive families. The adoptive child will have different
questions about adoption at each stage of development.
Myth: Adoptive parents make better
parents because they want a child so badly.
Fact: The degree of desire for a child does not
necessarily make for better parenting.
Myth: An adoptive child belongs
to his new family forever and owes them something more
than ordinary offspring.
Fact: An adoptee child offers neither more nor
less to his parents than a birth child.
Myth: Once a couple has decided
to adopt, it is more likely they will become pregnant
on their own.
Fact: It is neither more nor less likely that
a couple who has adopted will achieve pregnancy.
Myth: Once adoption has taken
place, the pain of infertility will cease.
Fact: The pain of infertility often lingers after
the family has been established by adoption. Although
happy with their adoptive families, couples may still
want to pursue having a biological child. Adoption is
not a cure for infertility, but it can be a cure for
childlessness.
Myth: Prospective parents should
adopt only after all possibilities of having a biological
child have been exhausted.
Fact: Because of rapid developments in infertility
management, there is no longer a clear stopping point
for possible infertility therapies. It is helpful for
prospective parents to look into alternative means for
starting a family early in their infertility work-up
- remember, taking infertility treatment and considering
adoption are not mutually exclusive choices ! Just because
you are taking treatment does not mean that you are
not "committed to adoption"; and just because you are
considering adoption does not mean that you are decreasing
the chances of the infertility treatment as a result
of your "negative attitude". Often, couples pursuing
infertility treatment may actually begin to see how
an adopted child could be a good choice for them.
Myth: It is extremely difficult
to adopt.
Fact: Although the adoption process can be tedious,
adoption is possible for most couples.
Myth: Since India has an overpopulation
problem, with so many unwanted children, adoption is
a "better" choice for the infertile couple than taking
treatment.
Fact: You cannot force someone to adopt a child,
and adoption is not the best solution for all infertile
couples. They need to be able to make their own choice.
While adoption is a reasonable solution for some infertile
couples, this is a choice which they have to make for
themselves.
A good book to read to find out more
information about adoption is Nilima Mehta's Ours By Choice, which is available
from the Family Service Center, Eucharistic Congress
Bldg III, 5 Convent Street, Bombay 400 039. The full
text of this book is available at:
http://www.healthlibrary.com/reading/ours/index.htm
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