from
the book How to Have a Baby: Overcoming Infertility
by Dr. Aniruddha Malpani, MD and Dr. Anjali Malpani,
MD.
Previous page:
Stress And Infertility
Next page: How
to Cope with Infertility
Table of Contents
Sir William Osler,
a famous physician, once said that human beings have
two basic desires - to get and to beget. To have your
own family is a universal dream . This dream can become
a nightmare for the infertile couple and learning that
you have an infertility problem can cause painful and
difficult emotions. Infertility is like a chronic illness
that uses up a large amount of a couples' resources
- emotional and financial - and involves the expenditure
of a considerable amount of time, money, physical and
emotional energy.
What are
the emotional responses to infertility ?
Everyone's response to infertility is
different depending on individual situations, emotional
strengths, coping methods and personality. You will
be confronted with the emotional impact of infertility
before, during, and after treatment. It is better to
prepare yourself for these difficult periods, so that
with emotional support and mental preparation, you can
successfully reduce the potential pain of infertility.
Although you may have friends who have experienced infertility
and you're aware that it is a common disorder, the news
is almost always unexpected. As you examine the issues
surrounding infertility, you may find yourself experiencing
some uncomfortable emotions. Some of the most common
ones are:
Shock: In most cases, infertility
is not diagnosed until after one year of unsuccessfully
trying to conceive. Because of this, you may suspect
that you have a problem before finding out for sure.
For many couples, infertility is very difficult to accept.
Most couples initially respond with feelings of shock
and disbelief. After planning for years to have a child
"one day", you may feel that your life's plan has been
put on hold. These feelings generally only last a short
while and are not emotionally harmful when you recognize
and address them.
Denial: Another part of the emotional
process is often denial. You and your partner may find
yourselves saying "it can't be happening to us," and
rather than confronting infertility, you may choose
to deny the problem. However, this phase serves an important
purpose and allows you to adjust to an overwhelming
situation at your own pace as you work at resolving
your infertility. Denial is only unhealthy if it lasts
for a prolonged period and prevents you from accepting
the reality of infertility.
Fantasizing: For some women,
denial also leads to fantasizing - and they dream of
what life would be like with a child. They feel that
all their problems would be solved if they got pregnant
. They lose touch with reality and everytime they start
treatment, they think they are going to conceive . They
find it difficult to cope when it fails.
Guilt: Guilt is an unfortunate
but common response to infertility. In an attempt to
determine why you are infertile, you may wonder if past
behavior caused the problem. Some individuals may feel
that they are being punished for past sexual activities
or an elective abortion. Often infertile partners may
feel that they are depriving fertile partners of the
opportunity to have children. The inability to produce
a baby may also make you feel you have let your family
down because you have not been able to fulfill what
is expected of you - especially so if you (or your husband)
are the only son or daughter of your parents. In large
joint families, this stress can be stifling - and fertile
daughters-in-law are given special privileges from which
infertile women are excluded.
Bargaining: This is a common
response - especially if you believe in God. You promise
to fast ; offer penance ; offer money; and to be good
for the rest of your life if He gives you a pregnancy.
Many infertile patients have visited an endless number
of temples and "holy men" - and done "yagnas" and "tapasya"
- in order to conceive, often at considerable expense.
Blame: You may blame one another
for your inability to conceive, especially when only
one member is infertile. Also, you may respond differently
to the emotional aspects of infertility. For example,
one of you may find that the other is less concerned
about having a child. As a result of these differences,
one partner may grow resentful because the other is
not experiencing the same emotions on an equal level.
Sadness and Depression: The number
of losses associated with infertility makes depression
a very common response. In addition to the loss of a
baby, infertility represents the loss of fulfilling
a dream and the loss of a relationship that you might
have had with a child. What you are mourning for is
the absence of experience - and this type of sadness
can be especially hard to deal with. You and your partner
may have even more difficulty dealing with these losses
because friends and family often underestimate the emotional
impact of infertility - and you have no one to talk
to . The nature of infertility is such that you may
never know definitely whether you are able to conceive
or what is causing the problem. Your grief therefore
has nothing to focus on - and there is the continual
hope that "this will be the time" which can leave your
emotions painfully suspended, creating a continual "hoping
against hope" attitude. When someone dies, the death
brings family and friends together to grieve the loss
- and this helps in healing . In contrast, infertility
is a very private form of grief - you grieve alone without
social support because the loss is hidden.
Hopelessness: Hopelessness is
related to depression and usually results from the up
and down cycle of emotions produced by infertility and
its treatment. Most likely, you'll feel hopeful during
mid-cycle when you've been treated and are looking to
success. But if the cycle is unsuccessful, hopelessness
can occur, and you may feel that you'll never become
pregnant. Starting over again each month can make dealing
with infertility especially tough. After the disappointment
of several unsuccessful cycles, you may find it difficult
to maintain a positive attitude. You may think that
it gets easier with time - but it never does - and every
time it fails, old wounds ( which you hoped had healed
) open again. After all, every time you start a treatment
( especially when it is a new type of therapy you have
never tried before; or treatment with a new doctor),
you always do it with the hope that "this" time it's
going to work for you. If you didn't have this hope,
no matter how small, no one would ever start treatment
at all!
Loss of Control: You and your
partner have probably planned your lives so that you'll
begin a family at the most favorable time. Many of us
think everything is possible if we work hard enough
- and not being able to have a baby is often the first
time you experience failure against forces at work which
are beyond your control, no matter how hard you try.
You may have practiced birth control for years and waited
until your careers were established before trying to
have a baby. Discovering that you are infertile removes
these feelings of control over your own life. During
treatment, you may find yourself putting other parts
of your lives on hold. This might include postponing
moving to a new home, continuing your education, changing
jobs, or establishing new relationships. The more you
give up, the less in control you're likely to feel.
Each treatment cycle can become a roller coaster of
emotions with its ups and downs - the hopes of success
and the frustration of failure.
Anger: Anger arises from having
to confront a great deal of stress and many losses,
including the loss of control. It is not unusual to
resent pregnant women, and friends and family who do
not seem to understand the emotional tension associated
with infertility. Often the anger is directed towards
doctors - and this is one of the reasons why so many
infertile patients change doctors so frequently.
Isolation: Feeling alone is a
common experience among infertile couples and coping
even more difficult. Most people cannot comprehend and
complex feelings associated with infertility. Insensitive
remarks, such as "relax and you'll get pregnant," or
"after you adopt you'll have a child of your own," are
not based on fact and can cause a great deal of pain.
It is not unusual for relationships to change if friends
and family are unable to understand and empathize with
your feelings. Let your friends know that what you need
is not their advice, but their support.
Infertility is an experience that continually
fluctuates in intensity and direction, so that at different
times you may have different needs and experience different
emotions. There are no set "stages" in this experience,
and, while, at one time, your emotions can be mystifying
and frighteningly intense, at another time, you may
simply feel numb. There may be moments when the fact
of being infertile dictates every facet of your life.
The way you learn to deal with the experience of infertility
will also be different at different times. One day a
particular strategy may help you a lot, but later on
you may find it useless. At times you may find that
the pain you experience is very destructive, but at
others you may find it a useful motivating force in
your life. It is important to acknowledge that emotional
responses to infertility vary greatly, as do different
people's methods of coping with them. Each person has
to find his or her own way of coping with the infertility
situation, and sometimes might need help to accomplish
this.
Infertility
Movie
Please do watch this movie
- it describes the emotional status of an infertile
couple so well !
Next page: How
to Cope with Infertility
Previous page:
Stress And Infertility
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