from
the book How to Have a Baby: Overcoming Infertility
by Dr. Aniruddha Malpani, MD and Dr. Anjali Malpani,
MD.
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How can friends and relatives
help infertile couples ?
This chapter is
to help friends and family members to understand the
needs of an infertile couple better. Sometimes it's
difficult to know what to say to a couple who are confronted
by an infertility problem because it's such a private
matter, that you'd rather not intrude. And, sometimes,
it seems as if no matter what you do or say, it's the
wrong thing.
Here are a few suggestions which may
help you provide the support they need.
- Be ready to listen. Infertile couples
have a lot on their mind and need someone to talk
to - help them get things off their chest.
- Don't offer advise unless you are
very well informed . You may not be sure what their
specific medical problem is - and in any case, if
they need medical advise, they can get it from their
doctor.
- Be sensitive and don't joke about
infertility. Remember, infertile couples are hypersensitive
about many things - try to put yourself in their shoes.
- Be patient. Infertile couples are
on an emotional roller-coaster and often their moods
and actions are unpredictable. Don't get hurt when
they seem to be preoccupied with their problems -
they are not rejecting you when they want to be alone.
- Be realistic and supportive of their
decisions. Once they've reached a difficult decision,
support them, no matter what your personal feelings
may be. After all, this is their decision , so don't
say things like " I'd never consider doing that !"
- Don't criticise their doctor or treatment
choices. This only serves to aggravate their stress.
- Understand that individuals and couples
respond to infertility differently. Accept them for
what they are, as they are, when they are.
- Above all, be there when they need
you and show them that you care.
There is rarely a quick or simple answer
to infertility problems. Assessment and treatment procedures
usually take considerable time. You can help by not
forcing the issue with questions such as "When are you
going to have a baby ?" They may not know if they can
have a child, much less when it will be. You can help
by allowing them to decide if and when they want to
talk about it.
Each couple's experience of infertility
is very real for them and cannot be compared with others
as being more or less serious. The wish to have a baby,
and the fear that it might not be possible, is of paramount
importance. You can help by not comparing them with
other people you may know about. Refrain from telling
stories about other infertile couples - they are rarely
helpful.
It is not helpful or medically sound
to offer advice such as "relax", "take a holiday", etc.
You can help by not giving misguided, albeit well intended,
advice, and by helping to break down the myths that
surround fertility difficulties.
Some people consider infertility to
be a private concern. Yet others find comfort in being
able to share it with close friends and family members.
It is normal for people to feel sad, angry or depressed
at times. You can help by respecting their need for
privacy - or, by offering support if there is a need
to talk about it. Be prepared to accept the expression
of feelings such as anger, sadness and depression.
Those experiencing infertility often
feel inadequate because they have no control over their
reproductive system. You can provide support by recognising
and helping them to see the strengths, qualities and
achievements in other areas of their lives.
Some people experience fertility problems
after having one child. This is devastating and frustrating
for those who feel their families are incomplete. You
can offer support by understanding what this means to
them. Avoid comments such as "You're lucky to have a
child at all!".
Your encouragement, understanding and
support for your infertile friend or relative can help
to guide them on their long road to resolving their
infertility. This support is crucial to their emotional
healing.
Next page: Rights
of the Infertile Couple - and What Society Needs to
Do About Them
Previous page:
Myths and Misconceptions
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