| This is a
thought provoking article, written straight from the heart,
by a brave infertile patient who would like to share her
experiences. I learnt a lot by reading it, and I hope
you will too....
My experiences with pregnancy and fertility treatments
have been rich and varied, carrying with them a great
deal of pain, joy, learning and finally, peaceful resolution.
In spite of the fact that the fertility treatments that
my husband and I underwent for many years did not result
in a birth, I look back on all that we did with a satisfying
sense of having tried everything that was available
to us. The memories of all our efforts definitely make
it easier as we finally move into plans to adopt.
I would like to outline what our circumstances were
and to offer suggestions to medical personnel, family
and friends as to how they might offer further support
to people they know who are dealing with infertility.
It is my hope that I might share insights about what
it is like psychologically to go through this. I really
believe that there are many things people on the outside
can say, and should avoid saying, that can make a big
difference for infertile couples.
My husband and I were married late in life. I was 37.
At that time, I was self-employed, working out of my
house. Although I did have work, it was not enough and
I was doing everything I could to bring in more. The
plan was that we would try to become pregnant right
away, and by then my at-home business would allow me
to stay at home with a baby and still generate much
needed income. Naturally I didn't want to give up on
my new business just because it was off to a slow start,
and this seemed like a good financial plan because after
having a baby we wouldn't have to pay for child care
as I continued to work.
The problem became more than a slow start. The business
I was in suffered due to the economy and the companies
that were supplying me with work to do for them at my
home began to close. I was terrified. We were renting
an apartment with no money at all for a down payment
on anything. To make matters worse, my husband’s
company underwent big changes and he no longer had any
overtime available to him. Our income fell short of
our basic monthly obligations. My husband and I began
diligently trying to make other plans. Every day we
worked hard to try to get to a better place. He was
job hunting constantly and I went back to school to
get a teaching degree.
The only way we could pay our basic bills was to use
credit cards for part of them. Debt began. I wouldn’t
be able to teach until I was out of school, and a job
was not a sure thing. When we were in the throes of
this financial crisis, we did not try to get pregnant.
This was the hardest thing I have ever gone through.
Our landlord also told us he might sell the house our
apartment was in and that our rent could go up. Rentals
were very scarce and very expensive. If we had become
pregnant right then, there were no relatives around
to help with child care. We decided that we were too
unstable to try to get pregnant just yet. At thirty-seven
years old, it was horrible for me to put this on hold.
In the meantime, we had to field many careless questions
from family and mere acquaintances to the effect of,
“So, when are you two going to have a baby?”
People treated this question as if it were just as acceptable
as “How are you?” Let me say this: Unless
you are very sure that questions about when a couple
plans to have a baby are welcome, do not ask this question.
It is first and foremost very personal and secondly
could be very painful.
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People I hardly knew felt totally comfortable asking
me when I planned to make my mother a grandmother and
to remind me (and I resented being warned) that the
older I got, the more difficult pregnancy would be.
These intrusions caused much more pain than we already
felt. Part of the reason for that was not that these
people were pointing out painful truths, but that we
began to rethink these associations and to avoid people
we used to enjoy. This was hard, because it would have
been helpful to have someone to talk to who would listen
and just offer support, rather than feeling as if they
knew enough about this so as to offer opinions, guidance,
or, worst of all, warnings out of a place of complete
ignorance. People should be very careful bringing up
this topic. It is much safer to wait to hear the topic
brought up (if at all) by the person whose business
it is. Or, if you do ask a question which is met with
a brief or vague answer, drop the subject.
I was able to get a part-time job in a field related
to teaching and my husband found a new company to work
for. We decided that we couldn’t let any more
chances go by to try to get pregnant, so now that I
was forty years old, we began to try on our own. I was
pregnant four months later, and we were overjoyed, of
course. The pregnancy lasted six weeks and ended in
miscarriage. It was very sad, but we were extremely
excited about the fact that we had achieved pregnancy
at all. By that time, although we were still struggling,
because we had a lot of debt now in addition to regular
bills, we were just ecstatic to discover that my husband’s
new insurance policy covered all kinds of infertility
treatments, including in vitro and all the related medications.
We began infertility treatments with simple medications
in pill form, which would prepare us for insemination.
Although we went through several cycles, it did not
prove successful. We were advised to move into in vitro
ASAP, given my age. On our third cycle of in vitro,
we had success. This pregnancy lasted twelve weeks.
Unfortunately, there began to be signs of trouble. An
ultrasound revealed that there were many serious problems.
This pregnancy ended also. We were devastated by this
news and losing hope.
Naturally, these disappointments were hard to handle,
but I need to say again that they would have been much
easier to handle if we had not had the additional burden
of certain kinds of comments and questions. It would
mean a great deal to me if I could help well-meaning
people understand that they really have to weigh what
they say ahead of time, and to be sure that the message
they are sending is going to help and heal the hurting
couple. We found, in many cases, that what people said
to us was burdensome in that their words either indicated
that they were making horrendous assumptions about us,
or were focused on making sure that THEY (the listener)
were fully satisfied as to exactly what happened, why
did it fail, how could it have been prevented, and does
this mean it will never work.
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One of the worst things I had to respond to was a comment
made by a nurse in a fertility practice who, although
she didn’t know me or my husband at all, suddenly
said to me out of nowhere that she understood that it
was likely that my husband and I were undergoing fertility
treatments late in life because we were probably, like
many other couples she knew, taking extra time to establish
our careers. She went on to tell me that she understood
how so many women especially were proudly taking their
place in the workforce, taking advantage of all the
new opportunities available to them. She then said that
of course everyone would like to have two incomes so
that there can be a bigger house, a better car and a
nicer vacation, but that really these things don’t
matter as much as the joy of having a child. The implication
was that we should not ”waste” any more
time “waiting” until we had established
the robust, above-average financial base that was not
really necessary anyway.
I can assure you that that was a mistake she would
never make again. This was a medical person in a fertility
doctor’s office having the unspeakable nerve to
make any assumptions about anyone, and worse still,
to give voice to those assumptions right to the person
they were about. And let me add in no uncertain terms
that I had not asked for her input.
It may be true that more women are in careers than
there used to be, and maybe they do postpone having
a child until they are at a certain level in their job
that they are trying to achieve. However, please do
not assume that when you encounter a fortysomething
woman trying to conceive, that this must be the reason
she is starting so late. I ran across this assumption
not only in people around me, but also in a great many
fertility books I read. Just once, I would really appreciate
it if a doctor who is writing a fertility book would
acknowledge that in some cases, people wait to try to
conceive because the world is much more expensive now
than it used to be. And where once it was possible for
Dad to go out and work while Mom stayed home with the
kids, living on just one income as people did (even
modestly) in the ‘50’s and ‘60’s
is much more difficult now, especially if the couple
has no family, friends or neighbors around to help with
child care. People would say to me, “Oh, don’t
worry about it. Things have a way of working out”,
when I was up to my neck in debt, had no job, no help,
and they were coming from a position of a great deal
of financial assistance from able family, and also surrounded
by many available baby-sitters. Of course, this is life,
and I have no bitterness or feelings that things are
unfair. I would just ask people not to make assumptions
and to watch their words.
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I can understand how bewildering and frustrating it
must be for people on the outside who want to help their
infertile friends and family. It might not be hard to
make a mistake without intending hurt, so please let
me offer some guidelines. Infertility is one of the
most painful, disturbing experiences someone can go
through. Remember that, and check with the person carefully
before you comment or ask questions. Take the pulse,
as it were, and do it every time! Don’t assume
that because the person felt all right about telling
you on Tuesday the exact name of the birth defect that
caused the miscarriage, that they will feel like repeating
that information to you on Friday when you seem to have
forgotten the term and are curious. This is not territory
for curiosity. It should be approached as if a death
has occurred, because that is how it can feel.
Please consider these points also,
so you can help those you care about:
- Do not assume that if a couple is not attempting
pregnancy right away that it is because they are waiting
until they have sufficient income to support an above-average
lifestyle. It may well be that they are struggling
to get both their jobs to the point where they can
live only modestly, without incurring debt, so as
to be stable and responsible parents.
- Never ask “So, when are you going to have
a baby?” unless you are completely sure that
such a question is welcome.
- Take your lead AT ALL TIMES from the couple undergoing
infertility treatments as far as what is going to
be OK to talk about. It is very common for people
to be comfortable one minute to describe what’s
involved in treatment, and suddenly not to feel like
providing education. ASK if they are up for it every
time, and be ready to back off without argument. This
can make the person feel that they have a real friend,
and that helps immeasurably.
- If treatments don’t work, or if a pregnancy
fails, offer love, food, an ear if the person wants
it. Ask them what would help. Do not ask lots of questions
about why this occurred in order for YOU to be satisfied.
This is about THEM. Your lack of understanding is
not important.
- Never ask a pregnant woman, “Are you going
to have amniocentesis?” This is a test for birth
defects. I know that this test can also reveal the
sex of the baby, but I don’t know any couple
who has this procedure for this reason alone. Do not
bring up the topic of birth defects with a pregnant
woman.
- When time has passed, be very careful about dredging
up any information you do remember about what that
person went through. They may have wanted to share
it with you while the painful things were going on,
but are now choosing to forget it after that. Let
it lie.
I would like to conclude by pointing something out
that I think is even more important than what I have covered
so far. I am now forty-nine and my husband and I are preparing
to adopt. It took a long time to reach this point, as
we continued in vitro until I was forty-five. Of course
it was devastating for us to have been unable to have
a baby, but the fact that we made use of all the fertility
treatments we could has offered incredible comfort to
both of us. With only a couple of exceptions, we found
the doctors and all medical personnel to be compassionate
and helpful far beyond our expectations. We also found
the process to be fascinating, rewarding and satisfying
in and of itself. I suppose if I had it to do over, I
would have abandoned my dream of self-employment earlier
than I did so as to have been on good financial ground
sooner, but naturally, hindsight is twenty-twenty.
No matter the outcome, I can look back on everything
we tried, and how we made our plans based on undeniable
practicality, and can confidently say that we did everything
possible to have a baby. This is a wonderful feeling.
I am infinitely grateful that infertility treatments
are available and would highly recommend this experience
to anyone. The memories now provide me with unexpected
mental and emotional peace.
Thank you and good luck.
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