You are
not alone.
At least one of every ten couples in India is coping
with this crisis right now. Family and friends are often
misinformed about infertility and may say things that
are incorrect and hurtful.
What is infertility?
Infertility is defined as being unable to get pregnant
after one year of having well-timed intercourse.
Is infertility just a woman's problems?
Absolutely not! The problems are shared equally between
the husband and wife. In fact, 40% of the time, the
problem lies with the man; 40%with the woman; 10% are
a combination of both partners; and 10% are unexplained.
And remember, no matter who has the medical "problem",
it is the couple as a whole who is infertile.
How long should we try before we see a doctor?
Most doctors advise you not to worry unless you have
been trying for over one year - remember, it takes time
for Nature to make a baby!
Nature is not very efficient, and the natural conception
rate is only about 10-20%every month. However, if you
are over 30 years old, or suspect you may have a problem
(for example, irregular cycles) you may want to seek
help sooner.
Unfortunately, many couples have a hard time admitting
that there may be an infertility problem and they keep
on hoping after each menstrual period that "maybe
it will work this cycle".
At what time of the month is the woman most
fertile?
The day your period (menstrual blood flow) starts is
Day 1. You ovulate(your ovary produces an egg) around
Day 14 - about 14 days before your next period is due.
The egg stays alive for about 24 hours, and the sperm
stay alive in the body for about 48 hours. Plan to have
intercourse frequently around this time - but don't
schedule sex - this can be very stressful and counterproductive!
What you may feel - the emotional trauma of
infertility
Guilt: You may wonder if you are being punished for
something you did wrong - maybe in some previous life
time!
Anger: You may be angry with your body which has failed
you; angry with God for letting you down; and angry
with your doctor, when there are no quick and easy answers.
Sadness: For not having the child you've dreamed of
creating together
Loss of control: Over your life - and your emotions.
Many couples describe their life as an emotional roller-coaster,
with monthly hopes and despairs.
Isolation: Family and friends don't seem to understand
- and you may feel that you are the only ones in the
world without a baby!
It's okay to stop pretending that everything is all
right when you are hurting inside. Remember that it's
normal to: cry, feel angry, sad or frustrated. You need
support - and it's all right to ask for it.
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What can you do about the emotions that accompany
infertility?
Tell family and friends when they hurt you, and ask
for emotional support when you need it. Being infertile
is no fault of yours - you don't need to hide the fact
or be ashamed of it. It is a medical problem, like any
other, which needs treatment.
Turn your anger into energy - get informed about medical
issues and be your own advocate!
Make decisions for yourself - take back control of your
life
Find someone to talk to - a sympathetic friend or a
counsellor. Infertility
Friends can help you to find someone to talk to
- someone who has been there, and can empathise with
you in your time of need!
Treat yourself to some special luxury - you deserve
some pampering!
As a couple:
The stress of infertility can weaken your marriage -
or paradoxically, even strengthen it, depending upon
how you approach the problem together. Often, it's hard
to communicate, and you sometimes don't talk because
you don't want to hurt one another. Sex isn't satisfying
or comforting anymore - and can even add to the stress.
Here are some things you can do to help each other.
- Express what you feel
- Don't expect your spouse to react like you
- Plan fun activities together
Some common hard times
Parties, where everyone talks about their kids
Marriage ceremonies, when everyone else comes with
their children
Family functions, when everyone asks you when you
plan to starta family
Anniversary of a pregnancy loss (miscarriage or stillbirth)
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Goals and Expectations
You may feel desperate for a pregnancy and be unwilling
to think about alternative options. Staying in a joint
family can exacerbate tensions, and nosy neighbours, relatives
and office workers can add to your woes!
Everyone has different styles of coping, and you will
need to come to terms with this challenge in your life,
as you have with others in the past. Most people begin
to feel peace and confidence in themselves over time,
although there may always be some sadness for what they
have gone through.
Trust yourself, your skills and abilities, to help you
to get through this difficult time. Reach out for help
and support when you need it - remember, you are not alone!
What else can you do?
Learn as much as you can about infertility. Get and
read reliable information, which you can get from your
doctor, your library, from the internet, or from us.
Don't be afraid or shy about asking questions -- especially
of your doctor -- the only stupid question is the one
not asked!
The more you know, the more you will be able to ask
for information and get the help you need. Educating
yourself can save years of frustration and disappointment.
It is your life and you need to make your own decisions
- and in order to make the right decision, you need
all the information you can get!
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